Vacation
by NyxieChild
Summary: Severus and Hermione, at one another's throats. Uploaded ch. 4-it's a bit short. I promise compensation. Updated/edited everything. No need to reread. Reviews Appreciated as usual!
1. Bloody Brilliant Idea

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

2*12*03 (edited 3*12*03, minor changes…)

SS/HG, typical cliché fight story

=D Enjoy!

Chapter 1

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           "Shit!" That was the third one that night.

           "Did you just botch another potion?!"

           "What do you think?!"

           "Girl!" He swept over to look at my masterpiece. "I swear to Circe, you are completely incapable of doing anything correctly."

           "Me?" I was incredulous. "Me, incapable of doing anything correctly?" I turned around to glare at him properly. "You accuse _me_ of being incapable?"

           "Are you hard of hearing as well?" He towered over me.

           "Not at all, _old man_, I just believe your memory is playing tricks on you. If I´m incapable, you´re a first year! This is only my third ruined potion tonight, you´ve already bungled five!"

           "The level of magic I am performing exceeds yours infinitely." He stressed his exasperation. "All you´re doing is mixing simplistic ingredients together with a low level of concentration. I´m not only mixing, I´m concentrating my energy to the point where I need a wand!"

           "Ah, I see, you´ve been demeaned to the level of `foolish wand waving,´ eh?" I tilted my head arrogantly. "No wonder you´re so cranky, _old man_."

           His eyes shot daggers at me. I smirked at him. "If you think," he hissed, "for one moment, you can rile me..."

           I set a freezing spell on my cauldron and faced him once more. "Oh, but haven´t I already, _Sev_?" He hated the nickname. "Haven´t I brought you to the level of frustration," I leaned in and spoke softly, "where you could succumb?"

           He scowled at me. "Watch your words, girl, or I may--"

           "Good Morning all!" An unwelcome ray of sunshine spilled into the room in the form of Albus Dumbledore.

           "´Morning, Albus," came our simultaneous grumble. He bustled around the cauldrons, and set down a tray with two hot chocolates.

           Then the realization hit me. "Morning?"

           "Why yes, Hermione, it's approximately seven o'clock. We all assumed you two had fallen asleep here instead of in your chambers."

           Severus looked as though you could knock him over with a feather. "Seven o'clock? We worked through the entire night and this is all we have accomplished?" He indicated our multiple cauldrons.

           "All we have accomplished?" I turned back to him.

           He gave me a hard look. "You heard me correctly."

           "You make it sound as though we did absolutely nothing all night!"

           "Well this can hardly be considered anything!"

           "You can apply your ludicrous standards to yourself all you want but you have no right to impose them on me!"

           "Standards? How did you manage to get out of Greenwich with such low expectations, Hermione?"

           A light chuckle interrupted our quarrel. "Now, now, what you both need is to take a little break." Albus was positively glowing despite our demeanors. I dropped my head.

           "Fine," I muttered. "See you in ten hours." I looked up at Severus fleetingly, "All right, _Sev_?"

           He glowered at me. "Just peachy, _`Mione_."

           I gave him a positively poisononous smile and made to leave the dungeon.

           "If I may have just another moment of your time, Hermione." I turned around once more to face Albus this time. "This includes you too, Severus."

           Severus had been making his quiet departure and spitefully turned to face Albus as well. "Yes, headmaster?"

           "By a little break, I meant a bit more than ten hours..." He smiled warmly at both of us, receiving identical glares.

           "Really Albus, why don´t we simply go on a two week vacation in the states?" Severus turned to me with his sarcasm still full on. "Oh _´Mione_, darling, wouldn´t a trip to Old Faithful be charming, I have had a desire to go to Wyoming for the longest time now..."

           "That would be delightful, _dearest_! I shall fetch the children and begin packing at once!" I clasped my hands together in mock excitement.

           We both turned to Albus to see how he received our show.

           "Splendid!" He clapped his hands in imitation of my previous movements. "The arrangements for your vacation will be made at once!"


	2. The Fun Part

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

3*01*03(edited 3*12*03, minor changes…)

Wow. I didn't actually expect anyone to review. Thank you so much to those who did. I realize this might be a bit confusing toward the end, but everything will be thoroughly examined, (or at least explained,) in Chapter 3. (And I send love to those who hail from Wyoming in compensation for Severus' opinions.)

Chapter 2

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Wyoming. Hermione and I were on our way to bloody _Wyoming_. Yee-haw folks! Wizardry had not yet taken a firm standing in the states, so the society was fairly weak-even weaker, however, in Wyoming. Circe... I said the word aloud to myself, "Wyoming... Why, Oh, Me?"

"Why oh you?" I turned around to the sound of a female´s voice.

"No," I corrected. "Why Oh Me. An even better `why,´-Why are you in my chambers?"

"Albus wanted me to check on you," she said, as she walked around my study, picking up things, (my things,) and examining them. It took all my self-restraint not to snatch them out of her hands.

"Check on me?" I was not a child, to be watched for fear of my harming myself.

"Yes." She looked at me with a bemused gaze, "I supposed he feared in your old age and senility you may forget what you´re doing."

"My old age and senility," I repeated dryly. "Forcing his characteristics on me, I see..."

She ignored my comment, much to my dismay, and said, "We´re simply trying to be of help. We know how difficult it can be with old age coming on so quickly."

"Old age?" I finally snatched a book-like victim out of her hands, and threw it in my case.

"Of course. I mean, how old _are_ you, Severus?" she teased as she quirked an eyebrow. "Fifty-five, Sixty, Maybe sixty-five??"

"Are you daft, girl?" I wondered how old she really thought I was, but knew better than to ask, instead I asked, "What are your sources?"

"Oh, I judge on observation mostly..." She implied what she meant by looking me up and down.

I gestured to myself and spoke crisply, "Well, consider every added year to my age, a result of you, and your awful little friends, for nothing could have possibly aged me more."

"Goodness, do not give us all the credit." She smirked at me, and continued her rotation around the room while I attempted intimidation and packing simultaneously.

"Oh, but who else could I thank for adding more than a decade onto my appearance?"

She stopped dead in her tracks. "You´re seriously only fifty?"

"Ye gods. I´m forty-four!"

I believe I surprised her with that one, a joyless victory, but at least she changed the way of the conversation. "Do you know why Albus has requested we not use magic in our packing?"

"I assumed it had something to do with the rejection of magic around the states. I didn´t believe we´d make a good impression at a hotel by just waving sticks and our packages quadrupling in size."

"You don´t believe that." She looked at me squarely.

"Why, my dear girl, would I even think of telling you anything I believe?" I punctuated my sentence with a dramatic eyebrow raise. "Furthermore, I´d probably give you nightmares..."

"That is the most ludicrous load of-"

I interrupted her, "Now," I closed the case, "if you can bear a lack of my presence..." I gestured toward the door and swept past her.

Or attempted to, anyway, for Hermione maintained her nosy personality and stopped me. "Where are you abandoning me to?"

I frowned down at her. "If it eases your wounded pride, think of it as though you dismissed me."

"Professor!" she whined.

I rolled my eyes at her histrionics, "I fail to see why I must tell you," I turned to leave, "therefore, I won´t." And I didn´t, setting off down the hall at a furious pace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She jogged along. "You ought to tell me; I´m your colleague." Her typical reason.

I didn´t even glance at her. "Well then you should be used to this."

"Stop treating me like a nosy student," she spoke my thoughts, "this is ridiculous."

"Sneakers." We were at Albus´ door. The password _didn´t_ work, which forced me to go through every candy I could think of that he _hadn´t_ used...

She sighed in exasperation, not at my silence, but instead at my inadequacy with Albus´ insanity. "Snickers."

I blinked at her.

"Albus´ new hobby is muggle candy," she explained, entering before me, forcing me to follow her. She knocked and we entered to view the Headmaster of Hogwarts School eating some disgusting variant of sweet, and watching "The Price is Right". I had only recently included the tedious muggle show in my knowledge, as Albus´ new hobby was every and anything muggle. As would be expected, he and Arthur Weasley were exceptionally good friends.

After exclaiming some inaccurate number at the telly, Albus turned to us and smiled kindly after muttering some incantation to turn it off.

We sat down and rejected some candy, "Really, Albus," Hermione said as she rejected the second offering of candy, while I relented, "you mustn´t miss your show for us."

"For me," I corrected, with some disgusting sweet hindering my speech.

"For me," she repeated, and then turned to me with a smile. "But Professor, wouldn´t you enjoy being included in this discussion?"

I glared at her but it was to no avail. Our contest of who would blink first was ended, for Albus interjected with a reassurance of Hermione´s earlier pleasantry, "Oh no my dear, that charm I placed on the telly not only turns it off but records `The Price´ for me as well." He winked and popped something sickeningly bright into his mouth.

I sighed and tried to remind myself of why I was there. "Albus," I said, "If _I_ may have a word..."

"Now Severus." He smiled and indicated Hermione. "Don´t be rude."

I rolled my eyes to the Heavens, "Noted..." I looked him straight on. "Seriously though, Albus, I `d like to talk to you, I´m tired of being left in the dark."

Hermione suddenly decided it was more important to attack me, rather then wait for me to get important information from the headmaster. "Stop this. Stop treating me like a child. I´m sick of it. I´m your colleague, for Circe's sake."

She could be so stubborn. "You insist that I treat you like a child but I am only responding to your behavior," I turned from Albus to face Hermione and continued, "You portray no reason to be treated like a mature adult." She glowered at me. I reveled in it a bit. Even I admit I´m sadistic.

She opened her mouth to say something, and then to my surprise closed it. She nodded and finally spoke, "You´re right. I apologize."

Dumfounded, I blinked. After a brief moment of complete confusion I returned to my attention to the headmaster who had been quite amused by our display, "Albus," I began, "I´d appreciate knowing why you´re sending us off to the states. I trust you have a valid reason." I didn´t, but I preferred to pretend I did.

"_We´d_ appreciate knowing," corrected the inexorable Hermione.

"Fine," I snapped," and _we´d_ also appreciate knowing why we´re being sent unaided by magic."

"Oh, but the muggle experience is lovely!" Albus indicated all of his _lovely_ muggle paraphernalia scattered about his office. I could have sworn Fawkes was wearing a baseball cap. "Hermione, I´m sure, would be delighted to enlighten you in their ways."

"Of course, Albus," Hermione reassured, as I scowled at the both of them. "But why must we go so far and do so without magic?"

I decided my frustrations were necessary as well. "And pray tell, Albus, why the hell, we have to do so, _together_?" If he was deporting me to the states, he could very well find me a far better traveling companion.

"I feel it would be beneficial for both of you..."

I rolled my eyes. "Any other reasons, Albus?" Like he had some evil being in the states he felt the rest of his crew was too precious to be subjected to...

"Actually..." And with that word I feared being correct for once in my life. "You both are here in hiding, you realize?" We made our understanding evident, and simultaneously rejected caramels, as he said, "Your magic is not tracked _here_ at Hogwarts which is why you´ve been able to do your work so discreetly..."

"Yes." I snapped impatiently. "But why-" and then, like a bloody bludger, realization hit me.

A thousand questions flew into my mind at once. Hermione voiced one, "What? What happened?"

I ignored her, and attempted to regain my composure, "How?"

"Did they find out?" Albus completed my question, then answered it. "I´m hoping they didn´t. Perhaps they´re just suspicious."

Or perhaps they knew. "Why?"

"Apparently I´m a man worthy of suspicion." Albus´ voice had taken a serious tone.

"That you are..." I agreed, lost in thoughts.

"They´re coming this weekend," Albus answered my unasked question, "I believe you have about sixteen hours if we want to be completely safe."

"Whom are we dealing with?"

Albus chuckled. "The DMW."

"Why would they want to find us after all this-"

"What is all this about!?" exclaimed Hermione, whom I just realized was still in existence.

Albus smiled at her and offered some colored candies that she promptly refused. "Well, my dear, you´re not only hiding from the Dark Magic´s representation, but from the Ministry as well."

Ludicrous, in my opinion. "Nowadays its so difficult to distinguish one from the other..."

My muttered comment was not appreciated by the headmaster, who shot me a sharp look. "So, child," he addressed Hermione, "as I´m sure you can deduct-"

Hermione interrupted him with a gasp of realization. "They´d stop our work immediately, wouldn´t they? And you´d be in a world of trouble. I was distracted when came here...I thought we were just..."

As lovely as this delayed moment of learning was, I felt compelled to continue my questioning. "So you send us to Wyoming?" He´d gone completely barmy.

"You suggested it, yourselves." Albus twinkled.

"Fine," I agreed, assuming Albus had some real reason. "How long?"

"Oh, I´ll send word..." Master of vacuities, our headmaster...

"And what are we doing during our lovely vacation?" I felt sarcasm was a key ingredient in most statements, its similar to flour when baking. _Not to imply that I bake. _

"Just relax...catch up on your reading..." Albus spoke in a dwindling sort of way.

"Our money?"

"Oh, Severus, we all know you have sufficient funds."

"We do?" repeated the uncharacteristically quiet Hermione.

I scoffed but agreed; once more suffering with all blame owed to my complete faith in the being of insanity that is Albus Dumbledoor. "So...what are our American-magic free identities?"

Albus twinkled again, like a bloody star. "Now _that_, my children, is the fun part."


	3. Ever Flown, Professor?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

3*12*03(Edited 4/2 not only for punctuation but also flow. Added in an extra thing or two to make Hermione's reverie less fluffy…)

Hi. Love to everyone who reviewed as well as anyone who didn't. If anyone is feeling kind, please enlighten me on the slang for a train car… I eventually gave up and left "car" in there… 

Chapter 3

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"Now let's review this one more time."

"Oh yes, let's!" I agreed sarcastically. "Because you know there's nothing I enjoy more than going over simple personas which I know eight times over backwards and forwards."

"I swear, if we're discovered…" His scowl finished the statement.

"Fine," I conceded, setting my skirt while wondering how I fell into such a predicament.

He nodded sternly and began the 'review', "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," I rolled my eyes.

"Your husband's name?" He had closed his eyes in a show of supposed disinterest.

"Allan." I took the opportunity to stick my tongue out at him.

"Keep that in your mouth."

I growled. It's not typical of me to do so, but Severus was rubbing off.

"What's…" he sighed, "_our_ last name?"

"Barker." Damn Albus and his game shows. Everyone in the entire bloody muggle world knew who Bob Barker was. How was the last name supposed to be conspicuous?!

He grimaced a bit at the name as well, but continued, "Our history?"

"I fell in love with Allan two years ago at University. He was my professor," I fluttered my eyelashes, "Isn't that _dreamy_?"

"Don't do that," how'd he know I had done anything? "It's unattractive."

"I never agreed to be attractive."

He opened one eye and gave me disconcertingly through look. However, all he said was: "What University?"

"Oh, an obscure one in Britain, you wouldn't have heard of it," my smile washed off my face as soon as I completed the line. "How is it," I leaned forward, speaking in an inquisitive voice, "you can be so tense, in such a relaxed position?" He had his eyes closed and was leaning back, but the man was still _not_ relaxed. His edginess made me tense. 

"Do you really need to know?"

"I was just wondering how a bright and fluffy girl like myself, could possibly fall in love with such a dry cold man."

He opened both eyes and raised an eyebrow at me in question.

"I'm just saying; it's completely unbelievable."

"If you wish to challenge Dumbledoor," his eyes shut once more, "feel free to do so. However, I'll warn you this; you'd have a far better chance of bringing back the dead."

I took a sharp intake of breath. How I wanted to do that. The boy who lived hadn't lived through Final Battle. That real reason I returned to Hogwarts. Well, returned, agreed to work on disturbing illegal problems no one else would, and found myself in hiding from the legal and illegal wizarding worlds… I shuddered, shaking off my thoughts.

"What's the DMW?" I asked Severus, who had allowed me my short reverie in an unusual burst of consideration. Or else he had simply fallen asleep.

"Department of Missing Wizards." His voice was dull, monotone.

"What was our original cover story?" I had been so distracted with grief and work when I arrived at Hogwarts; I never thought to ask. I just selfishly hid in their protection and did whatever I was told.

"We chose to live quiet lives in the 'magical countryside.'"

"How quaint…" I mused.

"Oh, quite." His face remained expressionless but I allowed myself a bitter chuckle.

"Why are we missing?"

"They need a reason to check Albus' 'activities.'"

"Lovely…"

"He's suspected of illegal activities in the Dungeon."

"How'd they find us out?"

"Some little prat probably saw you and squealed," he said, blaming me, of course. 

During our work we weren't to be seen by the students. I didn't mind. We ate and lived alone. Prior to the boys I'd been a very solitary person. I resumed that lifestyle at Hogwarts. Ron and I kept in contact by way of Dumbledoor. I wondered if that caused us to be discovered.

"What will Ron be told?"

"That we ran off to elope?" That was helpful.

"I don't know why I bother with you." Honesty first!

"Neither do I," he agreed, still with closed eyes.

In my frustration, I threw a cushion at his head. It was to no avail, however, as he caught it.

"God!" I heard my mother's voice echo in my mind…_Do not take thy lord's name in vain._

"Allan," he corrected, eyes still closed…

"Sod off…" I cursed Albus Dumbledoor in my mind. Only the world's most brilliant wizard could land me in a muggle train cart with the world's most sadistic bastard… Who responded to "God" of all things!

A homely little woman bustled into our car with a cart, pointedly ignoring the negative energy flowing from Severus' "sleeping" body.

"How are you, Miss?" she frowned, tossing a glance at Severus. "Or Mrs.?" 

"Oh, I'm just enjoying the ride." I was desperate for non-Snape conversation. "But its just Miss," Severus shot me a look, "currently." His eyes shut. 

"What would you like?" she smiled at me, but her face took on a wary gaze as she glanced at Severus.

"Um… I'd love honey tea and a few biscuits." She nodded and glanced my lover-boy. "Coffee, for him. Black." Took a wild guess there…

"Oh, I can come back later, Miss," she said, pouring my tea.

"I couldn't dream of it," I picked up a crumpet and flung it at him.

"Miss!" she exclaimed, and then laughed when he caught it. "That's quite a good trick."

"If only it was," Severus commented, as he straightened up to claim his coffee.

She winked at me as she left.

"You really ought to act as though you at least know me," I lectured.

"What do you mean?" he made a face after sipping the java, " I know you."

"I mean this-" I gestured to the distance between us. We sat at opposing ends of the car.

"Ridiculous."

"What do you expect to do when we take the flight over?"

"Flight?"

"Well, we'll have to sit together..." 

"Muggles…."

"Actually, wizarding couples tend to behave with affection toward one another, just as muggles do."

"How would you know?"

"How would you?" He quit after that. 

Well, for about five minutes, "A plane?"

"You've never flown?"

"Only by hippogriff."


	4. Let's Say I Did

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

3*24*03 (Edited 4/2 for everything.)

Hello anyone kind enough to come this far! =D Every review is very much appreciated; its such great motivation to have people tell you you're actually doing fairly well!

My apologies for having this so short, but I don't want to switch settings without explanation, so I prefer to have each chapter set in a consistent place rather than fly all over the world in one poor little chapter. Thank you for the wonderful support and I'll have the next one up as soon as it's ready. 

Chapter 4

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I honestly didn't mind the plane ride nearly as much as I intended to.

            However, I think Hermione not only minded the plane ride as much as I had intended to, but also actually despised it even more. 

            Miss Granger had not been flying in quite a few years, as best to my knowledge, and the lack of flight had not benefited her in the least. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until she was vomiting into a tiny paper bag. Spending far too many years of my life as a potions teacher, it didn't disgust me. However, I felt compelled to pull back her tangled mass of curls, as it wouldn't do any good to me to spend the entire trip to the states next to a woman with vomit in her hair. 

            "Ugh." She leaned back in the hideous seat and closed her eyes.

            "Agreed," I assented as I studied her appearance. She was pale and not looking good at all. "Does…" I paused, "your kind," she shot me a weak but venomous look, "partake in potions of sort to deal with this type of thing?"

            " We do have medication," she spoke slowly, "but I didn't plan on this, so I didn't bring anything."

            "Mhmm…" It would not do to spend my entire flight next to an ill woman. 

            _We hadn't even taken off yet, for Circe's sake! _I signaled to a servant-like person and gifted them with her bag. He wasn't pleased. 

            I wondered if it was still possible to take our journey by sea. Unless of course, Hermione got seasick as well… The plane's beginning of  its take-off and the hyperventilating woman next to me distracted my thoughts. I leaned over to her, "Is this going to be a problem?"

"No," she hissed, "I'm just having a bit of anxiety."

            "A bit indeed," I muttered.

            Her hands were folded in a bit of a death grip. I wondered if blood was making its way through.

            "Perhaps you ought to relax."

"I _am_ relaxed," she ground out.

            "Are you capable of separating your hands?"

            "Of course I am." And she demonstrated this skill by pushing my arm out of the way and clutching the armrests. I pondered if sudden change in elevation could result in one passing out. If so, I hoped I was the one who did so.

            I pushed her arm off the armrest and reclaimed it, only to have seemingly provoked a battle. All the while the plane began to speed along quite nicely. I noted this without much interest, yet it seemed to elude Hermione.

            Well, it had eluded her only long enough for me to think I had finally won the battle of ownership. But it was in that moment of glory, (or at least slight satisfaction,) that my victory was stolen and she not only knocked my arm off of it, but also grasped my hand as well with a slight squeak at the tilting of the plane upward.

            I marveled at the softness of the obviously steel gripping device attached to her arm. She was in such great fear and distress; Hermione didn't even realize whose hand she was clutching. We rose into the air without great disruption, even though it wasn't nearly as smooth as a broomstick ride, I found it preferable to the uncomfortable adventure riding a hippogriff always turned out to be. 

            Her eyes were tightly shut and her grip on my hand was even tighter, despite our steady altitude as well as the comforting **_ding_, **which alerted us that we could unfasten our seatbelts and "move about the cabin." For a moment I pondered the mystery of how being controlled by a small seatbelt light seemed so similar to being controlled by Albus. 

            However, the seatbelt light is far more logical.

            "Elizabeth," I uttered in her direction, "Elizabeth."

            She showed no sign of hearing me.

            "Elizabeth." A bit louder this time.

            Not a movement.

            "Hermione!" I hissed, squeezing her hand.

            Her eyes opened in a flash, "Elizabeth!" she corrected fiercely. 

            _Now why hadn't I thought of that?_

            "Yes well, _Elizabeth_," I humoured her as much as I humour people, "would you please release your grip on my hand?"

            Her face flushed but remained hard as stone. "Of course."

            I don't enjoy touching or being touched by people at all, yet somehow it inexplicably wasn't exactly a relief to be "released" as I requested. 

            I sighed, leaned back into my coach-erific seat and tried to fall asleep without another thought to my newfound tolerance of human contact.

            I did no such thing, but let's say I did.


End file.
